By Jan
This is a repost of a BollBashers.com exclusive by Joel Ronan from October 2006.
Hello, what you are about to read is the most highly detailed review of the recent flop…er…film “Bloodrayne” on the net. It takes you through the entire movie; start-to-finish, scene-by-scene, listing it’s various faults and positive sides.
I will also have other comments displayed from the following standpoints: Director, Editor, Writer, etc. This is to show a professional point of view for those who are artists of that trade.
Keep in mind that I watched the film a total of thirty times before I started this review and seen it many more times during the course of writing this. My overall impression of the film will not be given until the very end. And with that, now begins the review.
Characters:
- Rayne - Kristanna Loken! A beautiful, sexy woman who can’t seem to take her hands off other women. (I’m referring to the character…heh heh).
- Vladimir - Michael Madsen! Drunk and probably wishing he was still working with Tarantino.
- Kagan - Ben Kingsley! Our villain; the child molesting, raping, vampire.
- Sebastian - Matthew Davis! A young hero…who has a mullet.
- Katarin - Michelle Rodriguez! Once again, she plays a hardcore tough woman.
- Domastir - Will Sanderson! It’s hard to take this guy seriously with that haircut.
Review:
The film begins with a logo of an unknown production/distributor company. Though I’ve never heard of it, it was still an impressive logo. I was then treated to a very nice credit sequence. Near it’s ending, the phrase “Special Guest Appearance by Billy Zane” came up. This was not a good sign. I’ve seen too many bad films have that in the credits to take those films seriously but I still remained hopeful (Sin City did something similar). The music going on behind it sets a very chilling tone as the first scene begins.
The scene opens on a Romanian market place (Or possibly a VERY busy street.). Our heroes enter galloping on horses…the only ones on horses to be specific. They park their animals and dismount; maybe animals aren’t allowed in the area. They then proceed to stand in front of the camera and make sure the audience knows we’ll be with’em for the long haul.
Our heroes start walking deeper into the market place. They walk through the crowd of walking people and people walking animals; still no sight of any other horse riders but plenty of other horses. They walk a long ways down the street (Couldn’t they just ride up there? I saw other parking spaces. Maybe they were handicapped…the spaces I mean.). They continue walking, staring at the villagers, until they reach a bar. Vladimir sits down at the bar, wearing a very bad wig, and gives the first line of the film.
The bartender immediately goes into introducing our main character, Rayne. We then get treated to all three character’s reactions (One at a time). Suddenly, with ten seconds of built up, a vampire arrives and gets killed.
Editor’s SP – This is horribly too quick to built any kind of suspense. With what’s there, it might’ve been a good idea to make it slow-mo or simply make it a few seconds longer. With how it is now, it’s bad pacing and the audience quickly forgets what happened.
Writer’s SP – This is also one of the few times we see a vampire decompose/disintegrate in that manner until the death of Kagan; causing an error in continuity when the next SEVERAL deaths occur without disintegration.
The bartender thanks them. They go back to the movie and talk more about Rayne. The audience is thrown into a magnificently built carnival set/atmosphere as the bartender continues to talk about her. A man shouting for customers fills the audio and gives a horribly bad character performance similar to the “sea guy” from Alone in the Dark (The guy who thinks he’s Captain Hook). The first freak shown is a person who has weird swords and cuts a candle in pieces (Freak?). The ringmaster brings out Rayne and proceeds to show the audience her weaknesses and superpowers.
Writer’s SP – This is a little too quick for any movie. Whenever exposition is done in this manner, it usually means it’s a first draft and they just want to keep their abilities fresh in their mind until they begin their next draft. But Uwe Boll isn’t known for his good writing.
The knife lady sees Rayne get burned by regular water and get sliced. The mean carnival people give her blood to heal herself. So our heroine is opposed to water and her power is healing by drinking blood. You with me so far? After the show, they throw her into a cage. The bartender’s story end’s and Vladimir tosses him a bag of coins.
The next scene brings us back into the cage with Rayne. The knife lady goes to the cage and asks her if she’s all right after having been burned and cut. Rayne smiles playfully and doesn’t say anything. She tells her that she plans to bust her out and run away with her. She also tells her that they’ll be going “to a place where people play all day”.
Now think about that. Loken is twenty-six and the girl saying this looks like she’s in her late twenties-early thirties. I doubt either of them do much “playing” (Don’t get me started pervs). I’m guessing the two “Highly miscast” roles were meant for younger girls but I guess I could let that go.
The girl goes on to describe the place. She tells Rayne that the trees grow fruit in every color of the rainbow (Maybe the pervs are right…). She also tells her that the sunsets set the whole sky on fire. Wow…with flaming skies and flamboyant fruits, who wouldn’t love that place.
Writer’s SP – I can undoubtedly see the symbolic reference here. I take it Uwe Boll left in some of Guinevere Turner’s dialogue after all.
The knife lady assures Rayne that her uncle will pick them up. She then gives Rayne her cross.
The audience is now whooshed away to Kagan’s castle where Ben Kinsley gives his best cliché villain impersonation. Domastir enters with possibly the worst haircut on film. He starts talking about Rayne.
Writer’s SP – I realize that she’s the main character and the title of the film but the other characters are people too. And one of the things they taught us in screenwriting class is that the characters surrounding the main character have to be as developed as the main character. They all must be taken through “the hero’s journey” or else the story itself can fall flat. Also, up to this point, the writer is just “beating a dead horse” by continuing to have these characters discuss her.
Rayne is brought to Kagan’s attention and series of flashbacks commence. As soon as the flashbacks end, Kagan says two lines as one without taking a breath. Say this and YOU can be the Oscar award winning Ben Kinsley too: “Then she is alive the little one has slipped through my fingers.” Kagan tells him to send out his best spies and search for, the big threat, Rayne.
The very next scene takes place in the woods. Rayne comes out from the brush with blood on her, making it very hard to throw my brain away and enjoy the movie. Once again, we’re treated to a series of flashbacks.
Editor’s SP – It would’ve flowed much better if they just showed what happened instead of using so many flashbacks. With what they did, it just looks like sloppy editing.
In the first major flashback, we find out that a drunken carnival worker made an attempt to rape Rayne. She breaks a bottle on his face and creates the first effect ever done in a Uwe Boll film (He ACTUALLY bled after getting hit in the face with glass [See Alone in the Dark]). The blood gets on Rayne’s face and she goes insane. She bites a chunk out of his neck and attacks the other carneys.
She miraculously becomes a Kung Fu master and beats and bites many of them. The ringmaster comes out and sees his attraction putting him out of business. Needless to say, he was pissed. He grabs a sword and attacks her. She grabs the sword out of his hand (What?) and cuts his stomach open, splashing half of his blood on his face (WHAT?). He falls to the ground and she stabs him in the back just in case he lives after losing half his blood. I wanna add that during this “Blood-rage” she only “drinks” blood once (The guy trying to rape her was only bit. The knife girl gets drank later but until then, the term “blood-rage” is very much misplaced.) and kills more than she bites.
We’re brought back to reality to see Rayne panting in the dirt. She starts crying and we’re taken to the next scene.
Our three “canon-fodder heroes” gallop across a field. Sebastian expresses his disgust in a voice over. Katarin expresses hers on camera, minus an accent. Vladimir attempts to bring up their hopes but like his comrades, it’s hard to take him seriously with such a bad wig. Katarin finally gives her first accented line (Which sounded nice I might add).
Director’s SP – I heard Uwe Boll hired these people two weeks before shooting. And most people know it takes much longer than that to develop an accent that is not your own. I think he should reconsider having them do accents if he’s gonna hire them in that manner. Hell, nearly all the other characters DON’T have accents.
Our fodder…ahem…heroes reach the carnival. Things have gone wrong. There’s smoke and bodies and everything’s quiet (You know, the clear signs that there’s been a mishap). The carnival freaks come out and our heroes draw their swords. Sebastian shows his expertise by stating that a young vampire caused the accident. How he knows that the vampire is young remains a mystery because yet another flashback occurs. Sebastian blames the mishap on blood rage. They begin cutting off the heads of the bodies (No stakes?) and burning them (This is the first and LAST time we see this done to Vampire/people going to be vampires, so why’s it done? What’s the purpose?)
Katarin discovers a live one. She calls her buddies over and they interrogate her; which takes us to another flashback. Apparently Rayne bit her and stole her strange swords. I guess that was better than telling her she didn’t wanna live with her and her uncle.
Reality comes back and the knife lady tells them she doesn’t remember what happened. They get ready to kill her and she speaks up about Rayne. She even goes as far as to tell them what she’d be wearing, just so the know it’s her. Katarin gets tied of her acting and kills her (Thank you Michelle). They decide that their next destination will be a village and end the scene.
The Brimstone Society is finally introduced with the special guest appearance in an awful wig. He starts by ordering someone to take a letter for him, to later give to Katarin. What we learn through Billy Zane’s low-volume, low-quality rambling is that Katarin is his daughter (Huh?) and the society is crumbling. He also goes on to mention something that only he and his daughter only know about (And now the guy taking his letter also knows about). He also mentions the location of the secret item; which is no longer a secret.
Writer’s SP – If no one’s noticed yet, this is the very first scene where the exposition is NOT about Rayne. But is the first of consecutive exposition on the villain, Kagan.
He goes on to tell her to continue fighting Kagan even though they’re no longer getting paid for it. The scene ends with a close up of Zane’s neck, showing that he has been bitten and is a vampire.
Rayne comes out from the brush again. Vampires attack a carriage and Rayne watches a driver get bit. The other driver gets knocked out by one of the vampires. After all the men are dead and the last two survivors being cornered, Rayne finally decides to help. One vampire acknowledges that she’s a Dhampir (Part Human, part Vampire) She shows her mastered skills at the swords and kills one in four seconds (No stake?). I guess drinking the knife lady’s blood gave her the woman’s skills. Rayne walks up to the remaining one, a woman. She grabs her in a manner that should follow with a cliché romantic kiss but she bites her neck instead (NO STAKE?)
Writer’s SP – Uwe Boll must’ve left in some of Turner’s structure too.
The two women show their appreciation by waving a knife and telling her to keep away. Rayne tells them, out of the blue, that she only wishes to kill vampires.
Writer’s SP – The audience knows little to nothing about this character’s past, making this line come completely out of left field.
The next scene shows Rayne with the two women. Rayne apologizes for their loss. The survivors ask about her family and Rayne says that she doesn’t have a family; which ends the scene.
Rayne reaches the village and gets the evil eye by many vampires. They obviously know what she is. Rayne seduces a woman vampire and proceeds to bite her.
Writer’s SP – Up to this point, the movie showed that the vampires can sense who is a vampire/dhampir. This is just bad writing. If they wanted to have this done in the movie, they should’ve taken out the evil looks and vampire calling her a dhampir.
After the vampire dies (No stake of course), a fortuneteller calls her over…in Rayne’s mind (A new superpower). Most if not all her lines/straight exposition is directed towards the audience, just in case they’re idiots: “It’s rare to see a live Dhampir…Part vampire, part human…” We learn about Rayne’s conception. Her mother was raped by Kagan to produce her. And we get misplaced lines:
Fortuneteller: Dhampirs are rarely a product of a happy union between a vampire and a human.
Rayne: You lie!
I guess Rayne didn’t think less of Kagan until now…but why does she hate vampires? Rayne watches the various flashbacks with the audience and decides to kill Kagan. Keep in mind that you hear Rayne being called “Dhampir” six times in two minutes of this scene, making it more her name than “Rayne” (Which has been said only two times at this point). Also, we find out that there’s some sort of “Prophecy”. She steals a horse and begins her journey.
Once again, Domastir enters Kagan’s throne room and once again, Kagan is sitting at his throne. Domastir tells him that Rayne is looking for “The Eye”. After receiving this news, Kagan pulls a John Kerry. He tells him to kill her then tells him to let her find the eye. Then he says let her try to find the eye. And finally he returns to “Just kill her”. Still with me? To end the scene, Kagan tells Domastir that a Dhampir should be no match for him.
Domastir looks doubtful at his own abilities and takes an army with him to fight Rayne. Vladimir and Sebastian see the army and mention the obvious “Domastir’s on the move.” The scene ends with nothing else.
What comes next is a confusing array of shots: Rayne galloping across a field going towards the left of the screen, Domastir’s army seemingly crossing the same field going towards the right, Vladimir and Sebastian on a mountain going towards the right of the screen, back to Rayne who has been on the same field all day going towards the top of the screen, back to Vladimir and Sebastian on the mountain going towards the top of the screen, back to Rayne going towards the top of the screen, Rayne again only it’s nighttime (The only time night is shown in this montage) and in the woods, and finally (Without a dissolve) Rayne magically appears in the gates of the monastery.
Rayne dismounts and gives her best “Drama I” acting skills to tell a monk that she’s been riding for three days and needs to settle down. He invites her in and holds her until she reaches the dinner table. She picks at her food, which ends the scene.
Rayne starts hearing voices and wakes up. She grabs her swords and heads for the door. When she comes out, her swords are now magically on her back. She roams the grounds and sees a monk feeling up his cross. She enters a building where she meets a fat Vampire who is wearing a cross (What?). She sees a cross indentation in the wall, telling the audience that she needs that cross. Rayne makes an attempt to steal it and the vampire wakes up and swings a large mallet. The vampire goes and destroys most of his room, giving Rayne a chance to show off her Kung Fu skills.
She managers to get the mallet away from him and kills him. She steals his cross and places it in the indentation. The door opens and the audience is treated to a cheesy looking animation of blades circling the room. Rayne immediately knows how to solve the puzzle (A summersault through the animations).
She gets the special power-up. The door closes and the room starts filling with water. She hops on the sword she threw up to the ceiling earlier (How’d she know she was gonna need it up there?) and hangs by her legs. Somehow, the leather straps wrapped around the box disappear and the prize falls out into Rayne’s hand. She looks at the eye and suddenly she absorbs it.
Editor’s SP – I realize the box came out of the loop but the during the close out of the box, it shows the leather strap on there TIGHTLY, making it an error.
She jumps on the water and is unharmed by it. The door opens and a monk greets her. He takes her to see Udo Kier. Rayne tells him that she “Means them no harm” (Of course, when you kill a one of their guys and steal something from them; there’s no harm intended). The monk tells her that she can’t leave because she has “the eye”. He also tells her that the guy had been guarding it for centuries (He must’ve been a vampire. Humans certainly can’t live that long…).
Writer’s SP – No explanation is given as to why the monk is so old. As far as the rest of the film’s concerned, humans have a normal life expectancy. Either he’s a vampire and the cross stuff is in there by mistake or him being so old without an explanation is a mistake (A mistake either way).
Rayne asks why they protected it and the monk gives an obvious answer “Because it holds powers”(Duh!). The monk goes on to reveal all his secrets. He tells her that there’s a magic rib and heart to be found too, all of which are from a powerful vampire. He tells her that it would make a vampire powerful enough to control the world. After he tells her all his secrets, Rayne refuses to give hers’. The monk goes on to mention the fact that she’s immune to a cross, so she’s not a vampire (But then why did the other vampire have one? How was the human and able to live so long? Plot hole…)
The monk tells her that he already knows who she is. He talks about Humans who work for Kagan as they attack the monastery…during a voice over.
Editor’s SP – The way this scene is cut, it makes it look AND feel like he’s talking about an old battle. But as the scene progresses I came to realize that it’s something that’s going on. This is very bad editing, as it confuses the audience.
He tells her that Kagan is their biggest enemy and that’s his reason for not letting her leave with the eye. Domastir and his army enter, at which point the monk tells Rayne to help. Rayne fights. She stabs sloppily and softly into the air; which cuts to her blade being in someone’s eye.
Suddenly, Vladimir and Sebastian appear out of nowhere and join the fight. Rayne proves, once again, that she’s an expert at the swords and cuts down many of the bad guys. After Vladimir kills a few guys, Katarin appears out of nowhere and kills someone with a bow (This is the only time we see her do this). The fighting continues as the music turns into a complete rip off of the music from Terminator 2.
Udo Kier gets stabbed by Domastir and acts like nothing happened to him. Domastir asks about Rayne and walks forward (Doesn’t he feel ANY pain?). He calls Domastir a fool and dies. Domastir goes after Rayne now. The canon-fodder heroes continue to fight and Uwe Boll breaks the standard 180-degree rule (Even the youngest of filmmakers know not to break) twice, loosing all sense of depth and perspective.
Rayne enters and continues to show off her expertise with the swords. She helps Sebastian and out of nowhere (Again) Domastir appears and knocks her out immediately (Huh?). He rides off with her as Sebastian finishes the last of the army.
Editor’s SP – During this fight scene the fifty horses that the soldiers had come in on disappeared and Domastir suddenly has a horse to ride on. This is horrible continuity.
The heroes get together and Vladimir, again, mentions the obvious “The eye is gone” even though he had no time to actually go to the place where the eye was and no one’s alive to ask. Katarin finds a brimstone messenger and takes the note that’s meant for her. This ends the scene.
Once again, we find ourselves in Kagan’s throne room (This guy sure does a lot of sitting). His servants bring in a young, underage woman and Kagan calls her over.
Director’s SP – During this scene, Ben Kinsley stares at the floor and her feet. Most people wouldn’t notice this but he’s looking at the “marks” set up on the floor. “Marks” are placed on the floor so the actors know where to stand, walk, and cue-of-action. Ben in this scene was probably told to stare at these “marks” until she reaches a certain one, at which point he stands. But being Ben Kinsley, he makes an excellent pause before standing. Good job, Ben!
Kagan stands up for the first time, feels up the underage girl’s cleavage, and bites her neck. The audience then dissolves to the next scene.
The next scene consists of yet another “Lord of the Rings” stylized shot rip-off of Vladimir and Sebastian. After precisely two and a half seconds, it cuts to Domastir riding with Rayne. After the same amount of time, it cuts back to Vladimir and Sebastian. After the same amount of time, it cuts back to Domastir. After the same amount of time, it cuts to a medium shot of Domastir; which lasts about a second and a half longer.
Editor’s SP – This is what any decent editor would call “Too much, too short”, another example of sloppy editing used to just pad the film.
Domastir finally reaches his destination. What Vladimir and Sebastian let us know, is that it’s the house of Leonid (Meatloaf) and Rayne needs to feed (Wasn’t Domastir suppose to kill Rayne? Her being knocked out and starving provides a great opportunity. Plot holes…).
Next we see Meatloaf, enjoying his role among the many naked women. He’s wearing a bad wig and seems to be the only one NOT uncomfortable with that. Right away we learn something new about Domastir, he smells. Well, with a bad haircut and stinky body, no wonder he can only get work from Kagan.
Writer’s SP – During this entire scene, every single vampire is exposed to sunlight (What’s lighting the whole scene) and not getting harmed/killed by it. Since sunlight has been mentioned as being a weapon, this is a very serious mistake. But it’s not the first mistake in which Uwe Boll completely ignored the script to go with his vision of how the scene’s should look (Watch the airplane scene in the beginning of Alone in the Dark. During the scene, everyone’s asleep, the whole airplane is lit up, and it’s daytime. The kid next to Slater goes on to tell him not to be afraid of the dark. See?) Also, no vampire in their right mind would have windows where they sleep. It could have been a weapon against other vampires but since he doesn’t mention that (And since every writer is taught “If it’s not there, it doesn’t exist”), it’s considered a mistake.
Leonid assumes that he brought Rayne as a gift and Domastir promptly says “she’s Kagan’s” (Again, why hasn’t he killed her? Kagan said “Kill” NOT bring back alive.). Leonid laughs, feels up the prostitute, and let’s the audience know that Kagan is the mightiest of all vampires.
Leonid almost immediately pulls a John Kerry (I love this expression heh heh) by telling him to take her and right after that, he throws Domastir out with nothing.
Editor’s SP – This is yet another example of bad pacing. The editor didn’t give the audience enough time to let any of his words sink in. Thus, ruining the effect that I KNOW Uwe Boll was looking for.
Suddenly, the audience is introduced to random shots of crazy piano playing and vampires feeding. Vladimir and Sebastian enter and free someone (End of VERY abrupt sub-plot). Leonid is shown again, begging Rayne for her eye. Rayne doesn’t like this and bites his ear off. He stabs her and the massacre begins. Vladimir and Sebastian start killing the vampires.
The three vampires let go of Domastir and fight. Domastir sees them get killed and runs away. Apparently Rayne is no match for him but two humans are…strange. After some more killing and breaking the 180-degree rule once again, Vladimir and Leonid finally face off.
Their swords make contact only ONCE during the fight, in which Vladimir discovers that he can just bash the windows open. This scene ends up becoming a rip off of two things in the end: the end of Fright Night and disintegration just like the Blade movies (Major lack of originality). Vladimir and Sebastian get away with Rayne, ending the scene.
After another “Lord of the Rings” stylized shot rip-off, the audience is taken to a ship. Sebastian expresses his disgust and doubt in Rayne (She saved his life earlier, so why wouldn’t he?). Vladimir continues talking, giving the worst read in his career. Rayne tells them, while being tied up, that she doesn’t need their help; which ends the scene.
For the third time, Domastir enters the throne room (Which is the fourth time we see Kagan in the room and ONLY place where we’ve seen him.) and gets chewed out by Kagan. Domastir tells him that Rayne absorbed the eye and Kagan tells him that he needs her alive.
Writer’s SP – This scene and the scenes showing Domastir taking her alive, show a perfect example of bad structure. By having the scenes like this, it creates confusion, especially if it’s you first time seeing the film.
Kagan asks what her name is and Domastir gives his very first accented line. Kagan repeats her name just in case the audience wasn’t sure what her name is.
Vladimir takes her to the Brimstone Society and Rayne staggers out onto the dock. Katarin expresses her disgust with Rayne and tells him that a Brimstone messenger was at the monastery.
Kagan is in his throne room (Fifth time) and a one of his servants gives him a rib. This is all there is to the scene.
Sebastian reads a letter and tells everyone that Kagan now has the rib.
Editor’s SP – From the end of the first boat scene to the beginning of this scene, there is only a single minute’s lapse. Precisely sixty seconds…no more. This is yet another pacing issue.
The scene progresses and Rayne let’s them know that she doesn’t thirst for Human blood (I wonder what the carnival workers and her knife friend would have to say about that). And once again with get misplaced lines:
Rayne: He raped my mother and murdered her…in front of my own eyes.
Writer’s SP – The way this dialogue is structured AND said, it implies that he raped her mother in front of her and killed her in front of her. But as we’re shown in a flashback, her mother was only killed in front of her (The rape being her conception). The best thing he could’ve done in this case, was simply have her say “He killed my mother in front of me” allowing her line and proceeding scene make sense and flow properly together.
Another flashback begins, this time showing her mother’s death. It begins with her reading to her daughter (Who clearly has brown hair and not red). She hears something, hides her daughter, grabs a knife, and goes to investigate. Surprisingly enough, Uwe Boll manages to break the 180-degree rule here. Kagan appears out of nowhere and faces Rayne’s mother. She makes a lousy attempt at using her knife and Kagan pins her. He then takes a bite out of an apple…I mean her neck. The scene ends after he stabs her in the chest.
Vladimir immediately trusts her and frees her. Everyone else thinks he’s nuts. He tells her that she’s “welcome to train with them (Why? She’s a Kung Fu master who’s also a master at the swords. She should teach THEM a few things).
The next scene shows Vladimir sharpening his sword. Katarin lets him know, once again, that she thinks he’s making bad decisions. Vladimir reassures her but the wig gets to her. She tells him he’s getting weaker and takes us into a montage.
The first scene of the montage shows Rayne fighting rather sloppily. She’s completely lost the form and balance of every single, previous, action sequences. During this scene Vladimir gives her basic advice (The kind everyone already knows about.).
Writer’s SP – Since the very beginning of the film, there has been no progression in her skills; she was simply “Skilled”. Because they did this, there was no need to show a progression. The best way he could’ve done this was to have her weak and unskilled throughout the beginning, up to this point, and finally give her training she required. Having her train now, looking unskilled in this ONE scene, makes the montage look ridiculous.
The montage continues and she learns how to use and handle a sword (She didn’t know before?). Katarin watches her as she trains. The very next scene shows her with her skills again (That was fast.). Rayne finally upgrades to her old swords, while showing much cleavage.
We’re now taken outside of Brimstones walls to be impressed by Rayne’s moves. Uwe Boll breaks the 180-degree three more times as Rayne shows that she’s once again the master she once was and is ready to finish the movie. Unfortunately, we still have thirty-seven minutes to go.
The montage continues. Katarin continues to gaze at her; this time she has a piece of fruit in her hand (Turner…). Rayne proves how good she is; everything’s going well and suddenly, one of her swords break. The piece falls to the ground and ignites yet another flashback. We’re reminded of the girl who only got two minutes and twenty-three seconds of screen time. And Rayne reminds us that the girl was her friend. Vladimir “the Reassurer” reassures her that he can fix it.
We’re now taken into a cell with Rayne. Sebastian is nice enough to have new clothes made for her and brings them to her. Rayne thanks him by telling him that she’s hearing things. He invites her to dinner and she lets him know that she doesn’t eat people food. Sebastian takes this as an insult and tells her “You act like the only one who’s felt pain”. She goes on to tell him that the two things that make her life suck is having Kagan as a father and having her mother murdered (I guess getting burned and cut all the time at the carnival wasn’t too bad for her).
Sebastian let’s us know that Vladimir was kind enough to kill his parents after the turned into vampires. Rayne feels bad and ends the scene.
We’re taken back, for the sixth time, to Kagan’s throne room. He does the same thing he always does…sitting. But this time, his hairpiece is gone (Which will be found later in Bloodrayne 2: Hunt for the missing Wig). The scene ends.
We’re brought back to Rayne, who is having nightmares. She dreams of her attempted raped and killing people. She immediately wakes up and does what all women do when they’ve been dreaming about rape and death; have sex. She grabs the nearest phallic or in this case, poor Sebastian, and gives him the highlight of his acting career. She screws him for a straight fifty seconds and finally the soft-core scene ends.
The next scene takes place in the Brimstone cafeteria. We find out from Sebastian that they’re running out of food. Rayne enters and the audience is introduced to an extra that has no idea what he’s supposed to do. Katarin of all people invites her over. She sits down with them and the audience is introduced to another little boy. He asks to see her teeth. Rayne kindly frightens the boy away and the scene ends with laughter and subtle foreboding.
Editor’s SP – The timing of Michelle’s close up was perfect. It’s also one of the few times that the pacing is right.
Next we see Katarin writing a letter to her father saying that he was right about the Brimstone Society crumbling. She gives the letter to a messenger and ends the scene.
We’re back in Kagan’s lair (Can you guess what he’s doing?) and he’s given a rather small amount of treasure, brimstone necklaces. His servant tells him “Only one Brimstone remains”. We’re shoved back outside and pulled back inside his caste where Kagan says about five-six lines without a pause for breath. He tells his troops to destroy the Brimstone Society and succeed, or he’ll kill them all. Kagan appears to be quite the motivator.
We’re brought back the Brimstone Society where Rayne is training with Sebastian. They flirt for a moment then Katarin walks in and tells Sebastian that Vladimir wants him. He leaves, allowing Katarin to have Rayne all to herself. They fight each other with the fakest swords I’ve ever seen in a film (The tips are ROUNDED and are so blunt that I doubt they could cut a tomato).
Upon Katarin attacking her, Rayne immediately loses all of her Kung Fu and sword fighting skills. Her sword gets knocked out of her hand easily.
Writer’s SP – By now, having her look so unskilled after showing that she was already skilled, showing her unskilled, all the training, and getting her skills back, makes this scene absurd (As well as insulting the audience’s intelligence).
Rayne grabs another sword. As the scene progresses, I can’t help but be reminded of “he Secret of Monkey Island” a game which includes “Insult Sword fighting”. This whole scene is exactly that. In fact, Rayne and Katarin do more “My dog’s better than you dog” lines than actually fighting. Katarin takes a break on this and decides to talk about her father. She tells Rayne that he’s a vampire now and that she has to kill him. Hey keep fighting and Rayne only manages to knock down one of Katarin’s swords but Katarin still puts up a good fight with the other, showing that she’s the better fight. The fighting ends and Rayne acts as though she won.
We’re brought back to Billy Zane for his final appearance in the film. He’s confronted by Domastir, whose accent jumps on and off during the whole scene, especially in mid sentence. He throws a…something at him…(Head or wig, take your pick. Hey don’t explain it, so it doesn’t matter anyway.) and goes on to tell Billy to give them the location of the Brimstone Society or die.
Writer’s SP – This scene is just a drag on the film after the set-up that was presented earlier. It also makes the set-up preposterous because of how much it built it up, only to be brought down by this scene instead of a fight. Which leads me to believe that this particular scene was a last minute addition because of the special guest appearance.
Billy offers Domastir to help him betray Kagan but Domastir is offended this (Well…he has been Kagan’s Bitch for quite some time now…) He threatens him again and continues trying to get Brimstone’s location out of him. Billy won’t betray his daughter (Step-daughter?) and ends the scene with another mention of “The Prophecy”.
Writer’s SP – Some sort of…Prophecy is mentioned a few times but is NEVER expanded upon. This is yet another example of bad writing because of its uselessness.
The audience is taken back to the Brimstone Society where Vladimir reads some more broken dialogue to Katarin:
Vladimir: You’re an important part…of the Brimstone Society. You’re work…defending the fortress…is essential…to our struggle and survival…and no one…has ever questioned that.
He goes on to tell her that she needn’t worry about him traveling with Rayne because he’s taking her phallic with him too. The scene ends with Vladimir awkwardly kissing her forehead.
Sebastian, Vladimir and Rayne go a little boat ride that lasts exactly three seconds. Rendering this scene pointless.
We’re brought into a town where we’re introduced to another character, Diago. Diago is a weapon smith who supports the Brimstone Society. Vladimir also mentions that they’re “very fortunate to have him”. They enter his shop and see a kid wearing clothes that are about six sizes too large. Diago enters and pulls a completely-out-in-the-open-and-visible lever to a secret room.
Director’s SP – Why even make an attempt to make a “secret room” if the device that opens it is clearly visible? It’s because it was in the script and Uwe Boll ignores such common sense details (Kind of like the scene in Alone in the Dark).
We’re taken back to the Brimstone Society where many boats (Or should I say three real boats and many CGI boats) approach their docks. Katarin reminds us who it is and the scene ends.
We return to the weapon smith. Diago gives Vladimir some “Black powder…from China” and tells him to take anything else he needs before he brings out Rayne’s swords. The swords are the fakest, bluntest swords I’ve ever seen in my life (Very lucky to have him, huh?). Rayne’s pleased with them…even though her old ones were sharper and could at least cut a candle…
Next we see a fatally wounded man rows a boat to a dock (What?) and passes out after he crawls out onto land.
Next our heroes come riding in on horses (Or should I say two of them are riding and Vladimir is just walking his). They see the man and go to him. He tells them that Brimstone has been attacked and everyone’s dead. After Sebastian and Vladimir go back to the horses and try to talk tough but only manage to look goofy. The dying man goes on to tell Rayne that Katarin has betrayed them. The man dies.
Moments later…a cross comes into frame, showing that they took the time to bury him. Rayne is lying down in the grass; she gets up and leaves. Sebastian is lying in the grass; he gets up and leaves. Vladimir is lying in the grass but he’s too drunk to get up, so he just stays right there.
Sebastian catches up with Rayne and she explains to him that bad things happen to those around her and he can’t be her Boy Toy anymore. She tells him that she can hear the heart at the Brimstone Society and is going after it. Sebastian understands. He gives her his Brimstone necklace. Rayne gives him her cross and stays that it’s for protection.
Writer’s SP – So far this is the third mention of the cross and there hasn’t been any scenes showing how it protects. There haven’t even been scenes showing how it can be a weapon either. It appears that they’re setting up for some climatic moment.
Rayne goes to the Brimstone Society and finds everyone dead. They even killed the single-line-of-dialogue boy. Domastir enters and kills a wounded man. Rayne leaves and goes to a passageway that leads underground.
The movie cuts to Sebastian and Vladimir riding to Kagan’s castle. They briefly mention “The Prophecy” without giving any details.
We’re now back with Rayne in a cave. She finds Katarin. A man comes out of the water and tells her that the Heart is down there. She tells the four men that she’s giving the Heart to her father and rips off her necklace. She jumps in the water and the four men evaporate into thin air. The men are gone long enough for Rayne to jump in the water after her. Katarin finds the Heart and Rayne attacks her. A suspenseful underwater fight ensues and Uwe Boll breaks the 180-degree rule at least five times (Just on a single run count). Katarin stabs Rayne and swims away with the Heart.
Next we see that the men have returned and are ready to defend Katarin. Again, we’re underwater and Rayne is swimming after Katarin. Katarin reaches the surface and her four guardians are gone again. Rayne comes out of the water, breaks Katarin’s neck, and bites her throat.
Every SP – This scene shows the sheer carelessness on every level. A total disgrace and lack of consciousness ruins what could’ve been a thrilling action sequence. Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.
The next scene makes up for it quite a bit. A rather well played out montage with the perfect mood music playing in the background, sets the film up for the third act. Rayne rides to Kagan’s castle. Sebastian and Vladimir finally reach the castle. The whole montage is great. It’s totally awesome because the only thing that ruins it is Michael’s stale acting.
Rayne goes into the gate and gives the Heart to Domastir. She asks if she can take to daddy and catch up on some old times. Domastir kindly gives her a nice cell to stay in and her friends decide to go in after her.
We return to the throne room (It appears he leaves the throne room only once every twenty-six years) where we’re reminded that he has the rip. Domastir enters and gives him the Heart. Kagan is so happy that he decides to have some “Me Time” and tells everyone to leave the room, so he can celebrate in private.
Sebastian and Vladimir blow up the front gate and proceed with their plan; get captured quickly without putting up much of a fight. They succeed flawlessly.
They’re taken to the dungeon with Rayne and put into a cell. Domastir explains to Rayne that Kagan love her so much, that her wants to have her eye absorb into him. Domastir leaves and her friends ask her about Katarin. Rayne tells them that she doesn’t know anything about her; while thinking she was quite tasty. Vladimir kindly tells her that Kagan is also going to remove her soul too.
Later…the ceremony begins and Rayne accomplishes what Vladimir could never do; raise the party’s hopes and morale. The evil servants enter and carry Rayne away.
We’re back in the throne room. The servants bring Rayne in and strap her to the table. She complains because of the way he’s treated her and for not making sure he had a trust fund for her to go to college. After quite at bit of badly read dialogue, the scene ends.
Back in the Batcave…Vladimir and Sebastian engage their escape plan; have Sebastian do what James Bond did in Goldfinger. It works! And they’re off to save Rayne.
We return to the throne room. Rayne bites the guy trying to cut her eye out. The servant hits her and Kagan slaps him (Why? I thought he HATED Rayne.).
Vladimir and Sebastian climb a staircase and kill someone.
We return to the throne room…to be honest, I can’t help but laugh every time I watch this scene. Kristanna looks so damn cute trying to bite the guy. Vladimir and Sebastian enter and start the final battle. Vladimir shows how much of a master he is by putting his acting abilities aside, allowing all soberness to disappear, and with as little effort possible, fights the evil villains.
Many of the bad guys die and Kagan becomes a little worried. He gets his sword and pulls the exact same disappearing act the four men did earlier. While Kagan’s gone, Sebastian uses this opportunity to free Rayne from her restraints. She then goes on to kick ass with her ultra-blunt swords.
Vladimir and Domastir face off in a very short fight. Vladimir looses when he drunkenly staggers into two bad guys’ arms. Kagan appears out of nowhere to walk into Vladimir with his sword. Vladimir asks like nothing happened.
Sebastian starts fighting Domastir and gets fatality wounded in almost the exact same manner as “Robin Hood: Men in Tights”. But Sebastian gets payback by cutting his throat.
Rayne and Kagan begin the last fight of the film. Some more “Insult Sword Fighting” is thrown into the mix. At one point, they do nothing but insults and circling each other for a whole nineteen seconds. Kagan manages to get the best of her and stab her quite a few times. Sebastian helps by throwing the bottle of water at Kagan. Kagan catches it and Vladimir shoots a bolt at it, covering him with the acid-like water. Rayne gets the strength to finish Kagan off and he dies just like the vampire in the very beginning.
Rayne goes to Sebastian. He’s dying. She offers to turn him into an evil blood-sucking creature but he kindly declines the offer. He slowly slips into blackness with Vladimir. Sebastian dies in her arms (I guess the cross didn’t do shit.). She looks around at the death she helped create. She gets up and walks to her father’s throne.
At last, she finally makes the biggest decision of her life; “Will she spend as much time on the throne as her father did”?
The answer…YES…
The End
Overall opinion:
Writer – The structure of the entire film was a complete mess! The only character that developed was Rayne and she didn’t even develop that much. The fact that the cross was given three variations of Set-up but failed to Payoff in any form, showed a lack of interest and detail in the creation of the story. The characters were weak. The story is weak and TOO cliché. A complete travesty…
Editor – As I watched the film, I couldn’t help but think of “2019: After the Fall of New York”. The pacing is just as bad. Scenes that should’ve been longer are cut WAY too short. The very abrupt and sometimes very pointless scenes that clutter the film also don’t make the film look so hot.
Actor – This film shows one of the worst acting jobs I’ve ever seen in my life. There are no redeeming qualities here.
Director – I’ve never seen such a complete lack of continuity and set direction in my life. It looked as though he just put the actors up there without giving them any kind of motivation. The swords and costumes were, overall, a bad choice. I can also tell that he didn’t care about how fake it all looked. Here’s a little bit of advice Uwe, swallow your fucking pride and go to film school.
Independent – From an independent standpoint, it wasn’t that bad. I’ve seen much worse. So far, the film students that are doing artsy films that have no meaning are far worse than the films that Uwe Boll makes. Even the political bullshit falls short when is comes it this film. Uwe Boll has, without a doubt, succeeded in this department.
Hollywood – An ultimate failure and should’ve never even reached theaters.
Personally – I tried to like it…I really did. I never got sick of watching it. I just hated knowing that this absolute disgrace actually got a theatrical run.
Rating (Poorest 1, Best 10):
(As…)
Independent – 4
Hollywood – 1
Writer – 2
Director – 2
Actor – 1
Editor – 3
Overall Score = 13/60 = 21.5%
Flashback occurrences:
8:03
8:06
8:08
8:49
8:52
9:03
9:54
10:10
12:11
12:58
20:03
20:28
45:34
50:50
52:57
53:00
65:14
Total: 17 flashbacks.
What I learned:
- It doesn’t hurt to get stabbed.
- Bad hair was IN back in those days.
- Vampires are as mortal as Humans, but sunlight and water are lethal to them.
- Life expectancy for a human is 500 years.
- Killing and blood turn women on.
- Dhampirs like biting women more than men.
- Dull swords are more effective than sharp ones.
- If you get cut, you lose nearly all your blood instantly.
Things to look for:
- 7 Mins – Mmmmmm…Lesbians…
- 9 Mins – Wait…what the Hell? How did she…?
- 10 Mins – That’s sure a lot of blood.
- 11 Mins – That’s one HORRIBLE rug.
- 30 Mins – “I mean you no harm.”
- 37 Mins – Meatloaf seems way TOO comfortable in this scene.
- 48 Mins – Vladimir is too trusting.
- 50 Mins – “The hours approaching, just give it your best. You got to reach your prime. That’s when you need to put yourself to the test and show us a passage of time. We’re going to need a montage!”
- 54 Mins – I wish ALL gorgeous women were this easy.
- 70 Mins – It’s the amazing disappearing men!
- 74 Mins – That was a quick fight…
Review by Brian Roman
Style inspired by Badmovies.org.
